every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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