She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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