I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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