He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
