I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's like heaven, but drunker
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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