spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize