i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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