I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize