I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
