Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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