You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm always down for nudity.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize