and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
