You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
