When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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