wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
