I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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