I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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