I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
