Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
