...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
