Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
