final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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