we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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