I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
