First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
