the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When are your genitals available?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
