Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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