saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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