The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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