There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
