The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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