I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
