He told me they were just razor bumps!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
