Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
