I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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