Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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