but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
