Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
