My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
