"it" just moved
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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