Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
