the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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