I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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