How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
