yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
