Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO