Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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