he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
