I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
