At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
