dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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