Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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