the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
