Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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