you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
