we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
