I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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