who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
