I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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