You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i've created a new STD.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
