I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
