two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
