also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
