Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
