you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
